Cancer.

As hard as we try to not let cancer consume our lives it was made very clear to me the other day that it does. When I was working in Brodys class last week, we were all finishing up cleaning and Brody was on the play phone talking. While we were all doing our own thing we could all hear him having a conversation about Cancer, "well do you know what cancer is?" "oh yeah I know what it is?" "oh you have cancer?" I mean he must have said Cancer 5 times. I have to admit I was a little embarrassed to have the teacher and other moms hear him talking like that. I felt like he is too little to be talking about that but obviously that's what he hears us always talking about. Mrs. Fitz told me that it was good that he was role playing and talking it out but if I'm being honest I feel guilty that he even has to hear that word, like all this Cancer talk took a little bit of his innocence. Like he should just be a kid and not have to worry about Cancer. I have tried to explain it to him, I mean, in a daddy is sick kind of way. I obviously don't give him full details but even the basic ones I give him he still doesn't really get. You know I try to be so strong and hold everything together but at that moment I felt like I failed, I want him to be chasing dragons and pretending to be cops and robbers not talking about Cancer. I'm always trying to stay all positive and make everyone think that everything is going fine but I started this blog so people could understand the journey and honestly this journey sucks sometimes. I have to say that I hate Cancer and what it has done to me and my family. I hate that it made me lose a bit of my innocence too, I'm 25. I never thought that this early in our life I would be spending my husbands days off watching him hooked up to a IV all day and running him baths for his excruciating leg pains and spending our extra money on medical bills. The stress has changed my relationships with people and not always in a good way. The weight of it all is sometimes numbing. When you open up a $38,000 medical bill you kinda turn into a different person, you kinda go in cruise control, with your mind always on something other than what you're doing. The stress is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. I appreciate that people perceive me as strong but trust me there are days were I am as weak as it get. Aside from all of that, the stress of losing my husband is sometimes unbearable. I never imagined worrying about losing him so early in our lives. I try to just tell myself that he will be better and one day it will be over and we will be able to move on but there some days that all I can think about is how I would do all of this without him. And I have no reason to complain, he could be my 4 year old son, or my grandfather that can no longer speak because the Cancer is too far gone or a person that can no longer get out of bed because the pain is so bad. In all actuality we have it easier than most, he is relatively in good health, he can hold a job, give his kids a bath and have a cup of coffee with me in the morning! There aren't many Cancer patients how can say that. I just so badly want things back to normal, I just hope it comes sooner than later! Sorry for the rant, this was actually very cathartic. I promise the next post will be happy :) Until next month he he... just kidding!